Dr. Bourbon And The Tale of The Shorn Scrotum

Today we open a new chapter - Bad Advice with Dr. Bourbon.

Our first question comes from "Sir Raven" via Twitter. 

Sir Raven writes:

Dear Dr BS
Every time I shave completely bare I think, "This feel awesome! Why don't I do this more often?"
Then Day 2 rolls around and it's a bumpy, rashy mess of regrowth down there. Seriously I get like one day of smooth fun and then a week of itching and pimply ingrown hairs.

Any advice? 😫😫😫
Raven (@QuothSirRaven)

Raven,

Thanks for reaching out.

Boy do I know what you mean. Your question reminds me of a time back in the army - sometime in 2003 - when I was in the desert and sweating my balls off.

I thought to myself: "Man, this manly mane of hair surrounding my junk is hot and sweaty... and smells like balls. I bet if I shaved it all off, it would be a cool, refreshing change of scenery for a while."



Well, Raven, let me tell you that you are correct - it is refreshing as fuck!....  for about 12 hours.

I now looked like a 225 lb pre-pubescent with really nice abs... I mean... damn. It just looked weird. Probably because I shaved all of it. I was as bald as a queue-ball from my bellybutton to my taint. And it made my junk look about 3" bigger than it really is - so I guess that was a bonus. Although, in an all-male combat unit that's about as lucky as... well... it's just not that lucky at all.

I mean here I am looking extra amazing with absolutely no audience... So I was stuck to admire my seemingly larger manhood alone.

Which I did.

Often.

Those poor, poor shower drains...

So, there I am with my freshly shorn cock'n'balls - looking like a beefed up 12 year old with nobody to share this with other than the other guys in my unit... Well, long story short - it felt refreshing as FUCK for about 12 hours. During that 12 hours - you feel like you have extra nerve endings ALL OVER YOUR BALLS. It's pretty awesome I might add...

Side-note: Masturbating with hand sanitizer is both a good and bad idea all at the same time. Especially when freshly shaved. 

Where was I?

Right - shaving in the desert.

Then we had the itch. Raven - I thought I'd somehow magically contracted crabs on my non-existent pubic hair. So - I did what any self-respecting man would do and grabbed the nearest bottle of Triple Strength Gold Bond powder and I showered that shit with so much powder it looked like a strange, rounded, stubby version of the Colorado Rockies in winter... But the relief was amazing and instant.

Then the burn set in. Oh sweet mother of god it burned. It was like someone with a very high fever was yelling at my cock. So I decided, like you do, to wash it off.

Let me just tell you - adding water to Gold Bond Triple Strength is like throwing water into one of those turkey-fryers like you see on the internet. It was like Satan himself was giving me some special attention in my crotch with his fiery tongue. It was both fun and terrifying all at the same time.

In the end, I endured the itchy hell I was now in and walked around constantly grabbing my balls like some Major Leaguer with a small Jockstrap on... It was awful. And no matter what you do - it's going to get some ingrown hairs and make your crotch look like something nobody wants to put their face near...

So my advice? SHAVE THAT MOTHER FUCKER!  Shave it all. Shave it like your mad at it! Shave it with your old razor above the sink so that it has flavor when it's done... razors are like Cast Iron Skillets - the more you use them, the better they work right?
Shave it and make your junk look HUGE. Shave it and stand naked in the bedroom doing the Helicopter with your seemingly longer junk! Then shower it with triple strength Gold Bond and splash it with water! - I call it the devil's icy kiss...   Then live with the gross, bumpy mess that is your shame...
But If you time it right, the grow-back period will coincide with Aunt Flow's visit and you won't have to worry about being impressive for 5 or so days...