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Showing posts with label porn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label porn. Show all posts

23 September, 2019

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel...

I got this question posed to my by the lovely A.J. Bass (@AnjikoZ) on Twitter the other day and, well, by golly, let's give it the proper love and respect this subject matter deserves, shall we?



The original Tweet reads:
  • My so called best friend decided to be a judgmental bitch today. She actually told me that daddy and I should not be having sex in our home (even though kids are fast asleep when we do). All because the way we have sex is like a porn. Now that I'm writing this it's kinda funny.

Leaving aside my issues with calling your sex partner "Daddy" - let's take a look at this.

In our house sex is sometimes soft and gentle, sometimes loud and adventurous, and sometimes quick and dirty. We use sex toys, we occasionally watch porn, we come up with some strange positions so we can both see the tv and get off at the same time.

Shit - last night we did all of the above. 

Let me rewind a bit... I got a text from Lady Bourbon asking "Wanna get naked and watch hentai tonight?" - to which my response was, "like you have to ask!" 

So - once the kids were tucked in and asleep, we got our fuck on.

The television was set to a rather scandalous hentai in which a demon lady feeds on the virginal energy of people in hopes of... something something I don't watch it for the plot. All I know is that this demon lady forces some dude to fuck his friends while other robed figures watch and occasionally participate. 

But I digress... The point is - the kids were asleep and we got busy. At one point, Lady B's legs were up on the coffee table while she masturbated and I stood over her and would put my junk in her mouth repeatedly. Then she reverse-cowgirled me to climax while we both watched the big scene on this show. 

She was spent, I was spent, we were both in need of hydration, and the couch cover needed to be removed and washed... It was awesome.

But some people seem to think this approach to sex is "icky" or "too much" and you should just stick to the missionary position, lights off, and pray to Jesus when you're done. 

FUCK THAT NOISE.

Sex can and SHOULD be a contact sport. And, if you and your partner so choose, it should be adventurous... and in every room of the house. Why limit yourself to the same location, same position, same EVERYTHING every time?!? If you're married, chances are good you're going to be having a lot of sex with the same person for a very long time... it can probably get boring if you do the same thing day in and day out... 

When we first got married and moved in together - we had sex in every room of our townhouse. In our second house, we again did it in every room of the house.... shit, we've done it on a boat, under a boat in the water, on the back patio, on Lady B's sister's patio furniture... We've had gentle, "hold me" sex, we've had "wow, that was different" sex, and we've had "hurry the fuck up and end this" sex... And it's always good. 

If your kids see you having sex, in any position, why does it fucking matter? Humans have sex. It's what we do to procreate. It's what we do to release stress. It's fucking NORMAL AND HEALTHY and people need to understand this. I walked in on my parents a few times as a kid. I turned out normal. My parents had/have sex toys. I think knowing this is what has given me a great respect and healthy understanding of sex. As we all should try to have. 

So have sex. Have fun sex, dirty sex, porn-star sex... and don't be ashamed about it. We have a serious LACK of sexual education in this country and that leads to problems. Raise your kids to be good, decent people with a healthy respect for sex and their sexual partners and everything will be golden. 

So - there you go, AJ. I hope I've answered your question in a round-about way. Make your house look like a Jackson Pollack painting under blacklight and explain to the kids that "well, sometimes mommy and daddy like to get their freak-on."

12 September, 2019

The duality of being me...

It's been a while since I've written anything longer than a Tweet. It's been a while since I've opened up my brain and let the words pour out...

I feel like doing it today.

Something about this time of year, almost every year, really fucks with my brain. Like, in a big way. I will bounce wildly from perfectly happy to uncontrollably fucked up. And it sucks. It's also when I'm at my... uh... most Bourbonness? I should explain that.

I am very much two distinct people residing within the same body.

I am me... and I am Bourbon.

The normal, everyday me is reserved, cautious, anxiety-filled, and seemingly normal person. I try to watch what I say around others, I keep my thoughts to myself, I interact with people at work whom I despise because it's easier than finding a new job... shit like that. I am guarded on what I say... I try to calculate the best thing to say on tweets, facebook posts, etc... I'm very unassuming.

This is the face I wear in public...

But I am also Bourbon.

This may seem silly to you all, but hang on and I'll try to explain...

One night I was talking to Lady Bourbon and I mentioned a post on Twitter and she replied with, "You or Bourbon?" - and that hit me. Because Bourbon IS me. I am Bourbon. But I tend to only let Bourbon out of the bottle here on my blog or Twitter where I am unknown. So I can see why she said this thing.

The Bourbon-Me generally doesn't give a fuck. I'll say what I want. I'll write smut. I'll talk about all the things I'm not "allowed" to talk about in polite society. I take sexy photos of Lady Bourbon and we have kinky good times in the bedroom... and the living room... occasionally the kitchen... maybe a bathroom at some point... most assuredly the playroom. But I digress... The point is - I wish I could be Bourbon full time. I wish I could not give a fuck. I wish I had the confidence and "no fucks given" attitude that I have here, in the safety of internet anonymity.


But life doesn't work that way.


I have a job. I have a family. I have an obnoxious mother-in-law. I have PTA bullshit... or will have I guess when the kids are a little older. And I can't relearn 40+ years of learned behavior. I mean, I guess I COULD, but am terrified of doing it. I'm terrified of just "letting go" and "being me" out of fear of losing my job or my kids (all worst-case scenario shit - which is my anxiety dual-wield specialty).

I'm so trained in this way that I don't really talk about my anxiety, PTSD, etc on my "normal" accounts all that much. I have no problem sharing on Bourbon because, well, nobody's going to call me out at work for it or other strange shit.

Lady Bourbon and hentai.
I try to talk about Lady Bourbon about this - but she's a fucking rockstar and I don't think she can comprehend this at some levels. She is who she is and that's fucking it. I, on the other hand, was the youngest of 14 in my family (including cousins) and I was always present for the jackassery, but not allowed to participate in it... stuff like swearing, sex-jokes, etc. So I internalized it all. I still do at times. Not her, though, she blazed her own trail and still does. She says what she wants to say and does what she wants to do. I envy her for that. I tend to be overly cautious and second-guess myself all the time. Bourbon does not. Bourbon says "Hey, fuckers, this is me!" - but only because none of you know who I am.

There are two very real, very distinct personalities in me and I want to somehow merge the best of both... but I don't think that's possible. But around this time of year... the Bourbon side seems to come out a little more. I get more sexually aware. I start craving things that aren't the norm. I start having vivid sex dreams and I want Lady Bourbon to do some really sexy things to me/for me... It'll last for a month or two, then slack off... then build back up... then slack off and then it goes away for a while - You'll note that I've not written smut since fucking MARCH... Maybe it's the Winter me? Who the fuck knows. Sometimes it makes me feel like Elsa from Frozen... Trying to wear gloves and conceal that shit, yo...

The point is - I am me... but sometimes I feel MORE like me. And I wish I knew of a good way to mesh the two and become someone else...

So this has been my rambling, what-the-fuck moment for today.





Happy Thursday, fuckers!

Smile for anime butt!

04 February, 2019

The Call Of Nature A @BourbonSex Erotic Short Story

The Call Of Nature
A @BourbonSex Erotic Short Story


    "It's called camping. Not hoteling." Josh said as he led Emily through the undergrowth in the woods. "Of course there are bugs. You don't hear me bitching about it."
     "You're not human." Emily said smugly. "Mosquitos, as far as I know, want nothing to do with you."

   "Yes, well. There is that." He moved a few branches and ushered her through. "Ta da." He announced with a smile.
     "Oh." Emily said with a start. "Oh, this is quite lovely."
     "Yeah. I thought you might say that."
     He moved ahead into the clearing. It was about 50 meters of open, grassy area surrounded by trees on all sides. A small, hollowed out ring of stones sat the in the center of it all with a large stack of neatly cut wood nearby.
     "This is where I go when I want to get away from everything." Josh said, dropping his bag on the ground. "Let's get set up and I'll show you what it means to 'be in the field'."
     "Uh, sure."

01 February, 2019

Mark and Emily A @BourbonSex Erotic Short Story

A @BourbonSex Erotic Short Story: Mark and Emily



     The night was finally here. It's something that he'd thought about often. It excited him. It made him anxious. It made him feel very sexy.
     He didn't go all out on his first time. A simple outfit of blouse and skirt with makeup and a pair of his wife's panties.
     The door opened and Mark stepped out into the light. His eyes, rimmed in dark eye-liner, shone in the soft light of the room. Gentle hints of rouge marked his cheeks and his lips were a soft, glossy mauve color. He worked his face into a smile. His hair was done up in a loose configuration of spikes, held out with gel, and his stubble was short and manicured against his chin. He was nervous, but took a deep breath and relaxed. The silk fabric of the shirt he wore felt good against his skin and the warm air circulating and lifting under the black skirt he wore felt good against his legs. His cock was gently stuffed into a pair of silk panties that hugged him everywhere.

     And he loved it.

31 January, 2019

Dr. Bourbon - How Stella Got Her Groove Back...

Today in Bad Advice with Dr. Bourbon our question comes from "Stella"

She asks:

Dear Doctor Bourbon,

How do I get my libido back? The meds I've been on for the last 10 years have ruined it completely.

Yours truly,
Stella


17 January, 2019

Discovering Porn...

Fun story - I know a "coed" in THIS one
We went skinny-dipping in Switzerland in 1996
While growing up, my dad had a serious collection of Playboy magazines in the house. I have no doubt that my dad did not, in fact, read it for the articles.

He had a pretty nice collection of nude women stretching from the mid-80s through the mid to late 90s. And through my adolescence I ruined at least one or two of those magazines with my... uh... attention. We'll go with that. Yep. Attention.

Younger than that, however, I remember being at my friend's house and sneaking in and taking his dad's hidden copy or two of Hustler and reading the letters in it. Then running off to the bathroom to measure who had the biggest erection. Not together... one at a time with a ruler. Like civilized kids in rural America. These are my first memories of sex and nudity.

Then came the internet.

Jesus Christ...

15 January, 2019

Dr. Bourbon's Tips For Getting Laid...

Today in Bad Advice with Dr. Bourbon our question comes from Twitter User @yodelingsnake

He asks:

Dear Doctor Bourbon,

I struggle with interpreting cues on when it's appropriate to "make the move" on my wife, because I'm socially inept. I'm good at sex! But I don't always get the timing right... Do you have any advice?

Signed,
@YodelingSnake

Dear Mr. Snake,

04 December, 2018

Krampusnacht

A @BourbonSex Erotic Fiction - Krampusnacht

It was 7:32 pm on the evening of December 5th and Linda sat in the corner watching the merriment. It was her company and, therefore, her party. But she hated Christmas parties. She was there because she had to be and not because she wanted to be. She wore an elegant black dress with a simple teardrop diamond necklace that drew attention down her lean neck, past her collarbones and into her ample cleavage for all the good it would do her. You just can't fuck the help.

      She was not having a good time.

      The wine was not giving her the blissful lowered inhibitions she’d been wanting. Instead, she sat quietly watching her workers go about their time at the holiday party. She watched Mark from sales flirt with Carol from the call center. Stacy from the reception desk was trying desperately to win the attention of Tim from accounting, but Tim seemed intent on flirting with John from IT.


“If her top gets any more open…” Linda said to herself as she watched.

       "Huh?" Deborah, Linda's personal assistant asked.

       "Stacy." Linda said. "She's throwing herself at Tim. Tim's gay. Tim wants to fuck John in IT." She shook her head. "I swear they're all fucking morons, Deborah."

      "Yes, ma'am." Deborah snapped. "Morons."

      "What about you, Deborah? Who do you want to fuck?"

      "Ma'am?"

       "Oh, come on. It's the holiday party, everyone is happy and drinking. There's got to be someone you'd like to fuck."

       "I am happily married." Deborah said sheepishly.

       "Good answer, Deb! I was happily married too." Linda snapped. "But Stan decided my sexual proclivities were just too much for him." She sighed. "In three weeks, it will be a year since the last time I've gotten laid." She threw back the rest of her wine. "I fucking hate Christmas." She poured a small glass and downed it. "And if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, right?"

       "Uh... right?" Deborah agreed weakly. She knew what this meant and she decided to go ahead and ask the question. "Why, if I may ask, do you want to ruin the Christmas party? I mean, it is your company and all..." Deborah's voice grew weaker as she spoke and was barely above a whisper as she trailed off.

       "Bah fucking humbug." Linda said. "That's why."

14 November, 2018

Why I don't like "Porn"

Okay - disclaimer - I love porn. I love watching naked people fuck. That shit is hot as Hell. But........


What I hate is the Porn industry and the fucking ridiculousness of porno.

Why must we make silly porn with terrible plots and stories?

"Hi, I'm here to... clean some pipe."
"Oh, my. Well, let me just bend over, in the nude, and pick up this giant dildo I dropped."
"Mind if I stick it in your butt?"
"Oh by all means! Let me call my cousin so she can come lick your balls while you do it."

I mean... COME ON.

Why can't we just make a decent movie with realistic fucking? If I'm ever in a situation where I was with someone who started talking to me the way do in a porn... I'd probably just laugh at them and the sex would be over. Thankfully, I can hit mute if/when I ever need to watch stuff. Gifs... gifs are where it's at for me in the porn industry. No sound. Short, repeating clips of people having some crazy-good sex.

I think this is why I like Hentai... And no, not the incest/rape hentai (well, MOSTLY not those)... but the stuff like Fuzzy Lips or Kanojo x Kanojo x Kanojo, Bible Black, Giant tentacle monster sex god from outer space. You know, people doing stuff and then having crazy sex with WAY too many bodily fluids. But I like it.

And there's no "Oh yeah, fuck my asshole, daddy"... that's just a mood killer for me. And there's no completely shaved dude who goes to the gym looking all stoic and shit going "yeah... yeah... I'm gonna fuck that ass. Yeah..." - WHO DOES THIS IN REAL LIFE?!?!?

And to make it worse - the unrealistic plastic surgery plaguing porn stars is distracting. I mean... like in a big way. You were clearly not born a 49DD... those look like they're about to pop. And why is every man is shaved from the neck down?? I'm no fan of chest hair, and I understand that it makes your junk look bigger... but I'm having trouble suspending my disbelief here, man.

The icing on the cake is the moaning and sound effects the women make... Are you having sex or are you laying down backup tracks for some dubstep?!?

I get it... this stuff is supposed to be far-fetched and whatnot, but I just can't do it. I can watch gifs and muted clips... but Pornos are, in my opinion, a joke.

You want hot sex? Make it look real. Find real people who look NORMAL. Sex isn't a 90 minute run for most people... shit, for most 20 minutes is considered too long.

So... sorry, Porn industry... I am not a fan. I'll stick with Erotica, Hentai, and my wife's underwear drawer.

PEACE OUT!

13 November, 2018

The Nap - A @BourbonSex Erotic Short Story

The Nap
A @BourbonSex original Erotic Short Story


The window stood open and the gentle scent of summer floated in as they lounged lazily in the living room. Stirring from her rest, she looked on and watched his chest rise and fall on the opposite end of the couch. He slept peacefully, for once, and she found her eyes drinking him in. She liked watching him when he was like this and a playful smile formed on her lips. He seemed happy and at rest. His shirtless chest moved as he readjusted his position and the smile manifested on his lips and his closed eyes moved as he dreamed. Gently she ran her hand over his shorts and she smiled.

If he was dreaming, she was going to try to influence those dreams.

Soft, slow touches to the outside of his shorts and his breathing changed ever so slightly. Another whisper of a touch against the fabric of his mesh shorts and she felt him stiffen slightly. She stopped touching and watched as his shorts shifted and changed as his dreams changed and the blood began to flow to his cock. She laughed despite herself at the sight. It looked like a snake manifesting itself out of thin air under the fabric of his clothes. As she watched and smiled, she felt a stirring within her. It started as a warm flush, almost a flutter in her chest. The warmth spread from her chest, down the length of her stomach were it radiated warmth between her legs. Her face became flushed as she realized, too late, that in trying to manipulate her lover's dreams, she was becoming increasingly turned on.

The blog post about blogging on my blog that nobody blogs

WTF is blogging?  I mean - what is it REALLY?

For some, it's basically their own personal forum for discussing ideas, products, services, bad ideas, and politics - while getting paid for it.

For the rest of us, it's basically an online diary for late-night missives about how we're lonely, depressed, horny, hungry, angry, or some other inane thing. And that's pretty okay.

We can't all be paid to whine online. JESUS I wish I was. I could just sit back, spout off about whatever the fuck I wanted and then just get paid for it! It would be GLORIOUS.  But... nobody reads this blog. I mean, at the height of its existence, I got 22 page views one day.

I'm not going to retire on 22 page views. Fuck, I can't even get a piece of gum for that.

18 October, 2018

Erotic Fiction Thursdays - The Quickie



 Erotic Fiction Thursdays - The Quickie

Tom and Carrie totally fucked. Like - a lot. In the pool. In his room. In her room. Everywhere. They fucked a lot.

Oh, man... so much fucking.

The end.

10 October, 2018

Erotic Fiction Thursdays - By The Pool

Tom, formerly John, thinks he's dreaming. To prove he's very much awake - his new, mysterious rescuer shows him around the manor and introduces him to a new teammate in...



 Erotic Fiction Thursdays - By The Pool

    "You've died, Mr. McConnell." She smiled a perfect smile. "You are now Mr. Tom Redding. And you've been chosen for something special."
     That's what she had said to him three days ago. Since then - he hadn't been feeling apart of anything special. The drug she used to fake his death took some time work out of his system and he'd been on bed rest for two days. Today he was allowed to get up and walk around Hillcrest Manor. With Victoria as his guide. There was no way he could complain about that. Just looking at her almost made him ache with the fuzzy memories from the ordeal at the prison. He'd been given a pair of lightweight lenin pants and shirt to match. Apparently their location was warmer than his prison home of a few days ago.
   "Jesus." John, now Tom, said. "This place is huge."
   "Yes." Victoria responded with a smile. "Our benefactor has spent a great deal to see to it that we are well provisioned and well taken car of." Her loose, floral sundress flowed easily around her body and Tom tried to sneak a peak of what he was remembering of her from the prison. 
   "Our benefactor?" Tom said with a raised eyebrow. "And who might that be?"
   "All in good time, Mr. Redding." She pushed open another set of doors to brilliant sunlight and the warm, humid air hit them.

05 October, 2018

Let's Talk About SEX!

Sex...

Sex is the coolest thing ever. And I'm pretty well versed in cool shit. I've traveled all across the world, been in a war, got shot at, driven across the entire United States - like 5 times - and I was stabbed in the face by a pitchfork. What can I say? I like it rough?

Point is - I like sex.

It feels awesome to connect with someone else on such a personal level like that. But here's the strange bit - Out of all of our friends and family, my wife and I are seemingly the only ones who not only LIKE sex, but actively engage in the act on a fairly regular basis.

12 September, 2018

Erotic Fiction Thursdays - A Day At The Range

Two members of a covert government unit find each other on their day off… And it leads to an unexpected encounter.



A Day At The Range


Carrie jogged slowly down Range Road on the warm, August morning. This was part of her ‘long route’ when she needed to run and clear her head. Today was one of those days.
Being Labor Day weekend, the range would be empty and Range Road would, therefore, be without traffic and make her run even better. She jogged at a moderate pace, not wanting to push things too much, but not wanting to slack off either. She hated running, really, but sometimes it was the only way to get her head cleared out. She had been having a frustrating week to put it mildly and her pent up rage wasn't subsiding by sitting around the apartment so she decided to head out and see if she could sweat it out.
About a mile down range road she froze in mid stride and almost fell to the ditch. She pulled the earbud out of her ear and listened. "BOOM" came the noise again. It was clearly coming from the range and it was, by far, the loudest gun she had ever heard in her life.
"It has to be Tom." She said, shaking her head.

30 August, 2018

It's my first day

Hello. This blog is meant to be for me. Nobody else. I say that in the strange idea that someone, somewhere, will stumble upon this thing and actually read it.

This blog is my quiet space. This is the place I can come to be alone with my thoughts and in peace. This is the place I can talk about things that matter to me that, for one reason or another, I can't share with family and friends on normal social media.

Examples:
I can't openly talk about sex on Social Media due to my family being mostly super-religious.
I can't openly talk about drugs and drinking on Social Media due to wanting to remain employed.
I can't openly talk about the strange shit that runs through my brain because I don't really want to freak people the fuck out.



Aside from my wife and kids - I normally don't care about people's opinions and perceptions of me. Well, that's not true. Let's face it, we ALL actually care about what people think. If we didn't, there would be a lot less anxiety in the world. So we act in accordance to our own set of morals, values, and whatnots...

I'm going to talk about my love of coffee. I'm going to talk about my love of sex in all its forms... which will be vanilla to some and pearl-clutchingly scandalous to others depending on what you like. I'm going to talk about bourbon. Because I fucking love bourbon.

If these things sound like things you want to read - come on down and read along.

I will occasionally post erotic fiction - which I love to write.
I will occasionally post political rants - which I don't love to write, but which I do seem good AT writing.
I will talk about my occasionally crippling PTSD and the joys it brings.
I will talk about sex with my wife.
I will talk about masturbation and porn...

I'll basically talk about anything... So... yeah.


Welcome to my fucking blog. My private, alone-time, blog where I'll post my middle-aged missives.

It's my first day