Read This Before Going On...

Showing posts with label married life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label married life. Show all posts

15 July, 2020

Your friend turns out to be a sexual predator the other day...

The Twitter LGBTQ and Erotica writing community was rocked last night when one of our own made a post proclaiming to the world that they were not in fact a lesbian, but a married, cis-man.




Stopping right there, you could say it was just about a Pen-Name that goes along with the subject matter to sell books is okay.

Sure. No big deal. And, like me, you may have even said "Good for you! Way to come out of your shell and let everyone know!"

But then...

Jesus, but fucking then... This is world we live in.

Look, most of us, if not all, know who I'm talking about. But I'm not going to drop their name here. I don't feel the need, nor the desire. Why? Because it didn't stop at a Pen-Name. Oh, no no no... it went WAY beyond that. And that is where it stopped being cool.

Let us back up.

I use my "Dr. BourbonSex" account as a release. It is a way to hide certain aspects of my life from my friends/family who I know do not feel the same way I do about things. I'm not ashamed of what I like... I just don't want to lose friends and family over it. My Hentai Fetish would literally give my parents a heart attack. My penchant for wearing lace underwear would probably cause both of my brothers and their uber-Christian wives from ever looking at me again... and I'm sure my political ravings, and sordid sexually explicit short-stories over on the ole blog might give the employer some sort of reason to fire me. That would be discriminatory, especially since I've never done it on company property, but still... I digress.

I do NOT use my "Dr. BourbonSex" account as a way to manipulate people, flirt with people who aren't Lady Bourbon, or do anything of the sort. Jesus, I told Lady Bourbon about this account when I made it. We have a very open relationship - Open as in: We tell each other a lot of shit... not Open as in: So, I was swinging at the bar the other day... - That's what makes a marriage a partnership and not a fucking train wreck. I do NOT use this account as a lie, trap, or falsehood. I have, to date, never lied about who I am on here. I will, on occasion, delay posting something for a day or two to prevent outing me IRL... but that's not the fucking point. This account exists with the awareness, and dare I say PERMISSION of Lady Bourbon who shares many of my proclivities and tastes.

And that's where this story starts... with Lady Bourbon.

A while back, in the early days of Dr. Bourbon, MOST, if not all, of my online friends were Erotica authors. It was fun. Ya'll write some sexy shit. My first 20 or so friends are still on a list called "My first friends" and I love them all in their own, individual way. With one exception, now two, I'm still friends with the original 20. Sorcha Rowan among them.

Sorcha was an unrelenting force of sexual innuendo and smutty prose. Nobody here can say that the person known as Sorcha was bad at erotica.... So we laughed, told jokes, etc. Once, Sorcha tried to DM with sexy gifs and talk, I said "knock it the fuck off" and it stopped. Just like that. Became professional almost. Sorcha was a beta reader for me at times. Good suggestions were always made, along with unwanted sexual connotations, but that doesn't bother me because it was never reciprocated on my end. Sorcha was even one of the first guest-posts on my blog with a post about Sapio-Sexuality... loving a person for their brain. I thought it was a good piece.

One night, whilst having dinner at home, Lady Bourbon says "Dude, I need to block Sorcha Rowan on twitter, I think." When I asked why, it turns out that Sorcha "accidentally" sent the wrong gif to Lady Bourbon. - Keep in mind, Sorcha did not KNOW this was Lady Bourbon. This was a non-Bourbon related incident - the gif Sorcha sent was a very explicit, very sexual gif... immediately followed by apologies and whatnot that seemed, at the time, very sincere. Lady Bourbon, under her real name, said "It's cool. No harm, no foul. Not my thing." And that was that...

I confronted Sorcha via my Dr. Bourbon account and said, "please stop hitting on Lady Bourbon, she doesn't go that way." And I meant this as a joke with someone I'd come to know as an internet friend... when the lightbulb finally went off and 2 and 2 were added up to 4 in Sorcha's head, my identity was revealed... To my absolute shock, Sorcha revealed to me that "she" was a "he" named "Bob" and he liked to write Lesbian Fiction and used the name Sorcha to sell and promote his work.

Taken at face value, everything checked out. We became better friends. We talked about bourbon and guns and whatever else. Despite this friendship, Sorcha's RTs were blocked from my feed because, well, let's face it, they were a little too much for everyone.

Lady Bourbon and I thought Sorcha/Bob was a really nice person and never did anything to bother us. In both instances of Sorcha Rowan's unwanted sexual advances, it stopped as soon as we said something and I never gave it much thought... So, you know, cool. Sorcha even wrote erotic fiction about me and Lady Bourbon.

But then I learned more and more about Bob. I learned about his wife and home life. I learned that he kept everything related to Sorcha a secret from his wife. I learned that his wife's lack of shared interests with him and how "Sorcha" was "who he was" on the inside.

( As a man who keeps his inner-most kinks and fetishes out of family talk, I could really say shit about it - even though I disagreed. )

As time passed, Sorcha wrote posts with other people and joint-works... It was my assumption that Sorcha told them that he was actually Bob and things were cool... But apparently I was wrong.

Because then we get the post from last night.



The dime-tour is this: "Hi, my name is Sorcha and I'm actually a married, cis-man. I have been pretending to be a lesbian to write fiction, make money, and engage with online sexual activity with women, under the guise of a being a woman. Even so far as to use the #ourvoices tag."

That's a lot to take in and unpack so to speak.

At first, I was like, "Oh, good for you, Bob. Tell the world that you're a man and do this right."

Then it slowly started to sink in... like watching the defroster work on your window on those cold, wet mornings... one minute, it's all fogged up and then BAM... fucking clear as day.

I was floored.

Consent REQUIRES an informed decision, Bob. What you've just said, what you've just admitted to is disgusting.

The person I'd become quite familiar with over the last 2 years has been engaging in non-consensual online sexual activities. People had talked, flirted, and who knows what else with Sorcha Rowan for who knows how longs with the UNDERSTANDING that it was a lesbian woman... and not a fucking married man preying on them and their vulnerabilities.

The outrage was all over the place. And rightfully so... and I was still trying to wrap my head around the idea that someone with whom I'd had many great conversations about writing, marketing, and story ideas was a fucking asshole trying to pass it off some form of courageous act...

What could've been a learning moment, and moment of growth died a fiery death when he tried to make this about how strong and courageous he was?!  No. This isn't about your struggle, Bob... fuck you.

And in the middle of that thought is when Bob contacted me telling me Sorcha was dead. I wasn't even sure if I should answer him, but I did. I told him that this would our last conversation. I told him I'd be deleting him from social media. I told him to go see to his family and BE BOB, never Sorcha... Then I blocked him on all of my social media accounts.

I'm really pissed off to be honest.

I value the online friends I make SO much because I am, 90% of time, much closer and honest with the online friends than the ones at home... I assume that, to an extent, these people are the same with me.... that when I find out that one of them is like this... one of them has been fucking over his wife and kids to go do this shit online with other people and hurt them AS WELL... is just too fucking much. It occurs to me, and Lady Bourbon, that he sent her that gif on purpose. He was testing the waters... luckily, we're a happily married dream team and don't fuck around on each other...

And now I sit and write this missive... this Farewell to my so-called friend. I don't have many friends, IRL. They all exist online and Bob's bullshit has put the rest of my online friendships into question. If he's capable of this - who else is? Who else is a closet racist or homophobe? Who else is a raging asshole waiting to shit on my 20 minutes of online freedom and happiness?

Jesus, but fucking then...

My fear is that Bob will harm himself or even commit suicide and that would be awful... He has been a good friend for 2 years of my life. He knows more about me that people I see on a day to day basis...

And, that being said, I never want to speak to him again.

Goodbye, Sorcha Rowan. And Good riddance.


23 September, 2019

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel...

I got this question posed to my by the lovely A.J. Bass (@AnjikoZ) on Twitter the other day and, well, by golly, let's give it the proper love and respect this subject matter deserves, shall we?



The original Tweet reads:
  • My so called best friend decided to be a judgmental bitch today. She actually told me that daddy and I should not be having sex in our home (even though kids are fast asleep when we do). All because the way we have sex is like a porn. Now that I'm writing this it's kinda funny.

Leaving aside my issues with calling your sex partner "Daddy" - let's take a look at this.

In our house sex is sometimes soft and gentle, sometimes loud and adventurous, and sometimes quick and dirty. We use sex toys, we occasionally watch porn, we come up with some strange positions so we can both see the tv and get off at the same time.

Shit - last night we did all of the above. 

Let me rewind a bit... I got a text from Lady Bourbon asking "Wanna get naked and watch hentai tonight?" - to which my response was, "like you have to ask!" 

So - once the kids were tucked in and asleep, we got our fuck on.

The television was set to a rather scandalous hentai in which a demon lady feeds on the virginal energy of people in hopes of... something something I don't watch it for the plot. All I know is that this demon lady forces some dude to fuck his friends while other robed figures watch and occasionally participate. 

But I digress... The point is - the kids were asleep and we got busy. At one point, Lady B's legs were up on the coffee table while she masturbated and I stood over her and would put my junk in her mouth repeatedly. Then she reverse-cowgirled me to climax while we both watched the big scene on this show. 

She was spent, I was spent, we were both in need of hydration, and the couch cover needed to be removed and washed... It was awesome.

But some people seem to think this approach to sex is "icky" or "too much" and you should just stick to the missionary position, lights off, and pray to Jesus when you're done. 

FUCK THAT NOISE.

Sex can and SHOULD be a contact sport. And, if you and your partner so choose, it should be adventurous... and in every room of the house. Why limit yourself to the same location, same position, same EVERYTHING every time?!? If you're married, chances are good you're going to be having a lot of sex with the same person for a very long time... it can probably get boring if you do the same thing day in and day out... 

When we first got married and moved in together - we had sex in every room of our townhouse. In our second house, we again did it in every room of the house.... shit, we've done it on a boat, under a boat in the water, on the back patio, on Lady B's sister's patio furniture... We've had gentle, "hold me" sex, we've had "wow, that was different" sex, and we've had "hurry the fuck up and end this" sex... And it's always good. 

If your kids see you having sex, in any position, why does it fucking matter? Humans have sex. It's what we do to procreate. It's what we do to release stress. It's fucking NORMAL AND HEALTHY and people need to understand this. I walked in on my parents a few times as a kid. I turned out normal. My parents had/have sex toys. I think knowing this is what has given me a great respect and healthy understanding of sex. As we all should try to have. 

So have sex. Have fun sex, dirty sex, porn-star sex... and don't be ashamed about it. We have a serious LACK of sexual education in this country and that leads to problems. Raise your kids to be good, decent people with a healthy respect for sex and their sexual partners and everything will be golden. 

So - there you go, AJ. I hope I've answered your question in a round-about way. Make your house look like a Jackson Pollack painting under blacklight and explain to the kids that "well, sometimes mommy and daddy like to get their freak-on."

16 September, 2019

Rubbing One Out At The Office

Rubbing One Out At The Office

A @BourbonSex Short Story


He sat as his desk contemplating, not for the first time, just getting up and walking out. This was the kind of office environment that just sucked the very joy from life. And here he was, again, looking at a Monday of pure hell.
          The morning's meetings had all come and gone. Shitty lunch had been eaten. Now he sat, poring over bullshit emails and hating his very existence. Debbie had been in the office not once, not twice, but six fucking times to tell him of her family woes of the weekend. He didn't care. He just wanted to leave. His head ached. He was grumpy. Life sucked - pure and simple.
          As he entered another email address into his address book he sighed. Nothing would make this worthwhile.
          Or so he thought.
          His phone chimed and he looked at it. The notification said, "image." He leaned back and his chair and swiped it open with his thumb. He sat and watched as the screen changed into the smiling face of his wife. There was a pillow tucked behind her head and smirk on her face. Her bare shoulders stood out against the stark, red blankets of their bed and slowly gave way to the gentle, slope of her breasts.
          Another chime and a text message popped up. "Thought you could use some cheering up!"
          Another chime.
          Another image.
          And another.
          And another.
          Soft skin, pink nipples, and a smile. The camera moved lower with each chime until at last it revealed her hips raised and two fingers spreading herself for the camera.
          Another chime - another image.
          Two fingers inserted between her thighs in the foreground of the image, head tossed back in ecstasy in the background.
          He swiped back and forth between the images, feeling the blood rush to his face and beyond. He glanced up to look around and make sure he was alone in the office. He swiped again and watched the progression of images and text slowly revealed the body of the woman he loved in full color. He felt his pants begin to rub against him as he sat. His erection was coming on in full force.
          He got up from his desk, walked to the private restroom down the hall, and locked the door behind him. His pants were barely unbuttoned before he had himself in his hand, stroking back and forth at the picture of her spread wide for the camera.
          He finished in a muted grunt and a spray of semen.
          He stood, panting in the closed men's room. His phone in one hand, his shrinking erection in the other... and a smile on his face.

12 September, 2019

The duality of being me...

It's been a while since I've written anything longer than a Tweet. It's been a while since I've opened up my brain and let the words pour out...

I feel like doing it today.

Something about this time of year, almost every year, really fucks with my brain. Like, in a big way. I will bounce wildly from perfectly happy to uncontrollably fucked up. And it sucks. It's also when I'm at my... uh... most Bourbonness? I should explain that.

I am very much two distinct people residing within the same body.

I am me... and I am Bourbon.

The normal, everyday me is reserved, cautious, anxiety-filled, and seemingly normal person. I try to watch what I say around others, I keep my thoughts to myself, I interact with people at work whom I despise because it's easier than finding a new job... shit like that. I am guarded on what I say... I try to calculate the best thing to say on tweets, facebook posts, etc... I'm very unassuming.

This is the face I wear in public...

But I am also Bourbon.

This may seem silly to you all, but hang on and I'll try to explain...

One night I was talking to Lady Bourbon and I mentioned a post on Twitter and she replied with, "You or Bourbon?" - and that hit me. Because Bourbon IS me. I am Bourbon. But I tend to only let Bourbon out of the bottle here on my blog or Twitter where I am unknown. So I can see why she said this thing.

The Bourbon-Me generally doesn't give a fuck. I'll say what I want. I'll write smut. I'll talk about all the things I'm not "allowed" to talk about in polite society. I take sexy photos of Lady Bourbon and we have kinky good times in the bedroom... and the living room... occasionally the kitchen... maybe a bathroom at some point... most assuredly the playroom. But I digress... The point is - I wish I could be Bourbon full time. I wish I could not give a fuck. I wish I had the confidence and "no fucks given" attitude that I have here, in the safety of internet anonymity.


But life doesn't work that way.


I have a job. I have a family. I have an obnoxious mother-in-law. I have PTA bullshit... or will have I guess when the kids are a little older. And I can't relearn 40+ years of learned behavior. I mean, I guess I COULD, but am terrified of doing it. I'm terrified of just "letting go" and "being me" out of fear of losing my job or my kids (all worst-case scenario shit - which is my anxiety dual-wield specialty).

I'm so trained in this way that I don't really talk about my anxiety, PTSD, etc on my "normal" accounts all that much. I have no problem sharing on Bourbon because, well, nobody's going to call me out at work for it or other strange shit.

Lady Bourbon and hentai.
I try to talk about Lady Bourbon about this - but she's a fucking rockstar and I don't think she can comprehend this at some levels. She is who she is and that's fucking it. I, on the other hand, was the youngest of 14 in my family (including cousins) and I was always present for the jackassery, but not allowed to participate in it... stuff like swearing, sex-jokes, etc. So I internalized it all. I still do at times. Not her, though, she blazed her own trail and still does. She says what she wants to say and does what she wants to do. I envy her for that. I tend to be overly cautious and second-guess myself all the time. Bourbon does not. Bourbon says "Hey, fuckers, this is me!" - but only because none of you know who I am.

There are two very real, very distinct personalities in me and I want to somehow merge the best of both... but I don't think that's possible. But around this time of year... the Bourbon side seems to come out a little more. I get more sexually aware. I start craving things that aren't the norm. I start having vivid sex dreams and I want Lady Bourbon to do some really sexy things to me/for me... It'll last for a month or two, then slack off... then build back up... then slack off and then it goes away for a while - You'll note that I've not written smut since fucking MARCH... Maybe it's the Winter me? Who the fuck knows. Sometimes it makes me feel like Elsa from Frozen... Trying to wear gloves and conceal that shit, yo...

The point is - I am me... but sometimes I feel MORE like me. And I wish I knew of a good way to mesh the two and become someone else...

So this has been my rambling, what-the-fuck moment for today.





Happy Thursday, fuckers!

Smile for anime butt!

30 April, 2019

Trouble With The Tradesman's Entrance

Saturday night found Lady Bourbon and me SANS CHILDREN!!

We sat and debated what to do for some time. We could go see Avengers and sit there for three hours - not a bad idea. We could go out to eat, have some drinks, and pretend to be regular adults for a while - also not a bad idea. OR we could get naked, watch some porn, and get a little freaky on the living room floor before going out for drinks and pretending we're adults... WINNER!!!!

Once the kids were safely gone and out of the house I retired to the shower, cleaned myself all over, and put on my sexy underwear - a black lace thing that makes my junk look HUGE... and my favorite skirt.

Then we moved some furniture, poured some drinks, and set back to get things going.

I'd already been sporting a pretty serious hard-on at the thought of not having kids... but now, as Lady Bourbon applied a nice, dark application of eyeliner on me, I was at "already ready to burst" levels. Me wearing eyeliner and black, lace panties has a rather curious effect on Lady Bourbon - and that is she gets SUPER wet. Like... Aquaman levels of wet.

And that shit is hot as FUCK.

As the show started we sat there, sipping or drinks and just "getting in the mood" as it were. Before long, her hand was slowly stroking me through the soft fabric of my skirt and silk... This had 2 results - 1: SO hot. 2: My panties no longer fit.... so they had to go.

She continued.

She wrapped my cock in the fabric of the skirt - it's soft, t-shirt material - and continued to gently stroke me up and down. Then I started rubbing her through her panties and stroking her nipples gently with my tongue from time to time. Our eyes both darting back and forth to the very lewd, very sexual animated porn on our television...

Lady Bourbon stood up, removed her skirt and panties, and returned to the couch next to me. She began rubbing her clit with her vibrator while still stroking me softly. It was amazing. After several minutes of this we moved to the floor, she flipped my loose skirt up, and climbed on top of me. She rode me and used her magic wand until she trembled with her first orgasm... I could feel her dripping down my balls when she finished. Which just made me want more...

There was head. There was rubbing, licking and touching... all the while moans of pleasure emanated from the television behind us.

Lady Bourbon took out the new toy... the blue, strapless-strap-on. She turned it on and a small gasp escaped her lips as the large, bulbous end disappeared between her legs. She stood, gloriously naked in front of me with a semi-realistic, vibrating cock... and I took her into my mouth and played with her lower half until she orgasmed for a second time.

Then it was my turn... and this is also where things got a little... hinky? Not kinky... hinky.

Turning me over, Lady Bourbon got behind me. Large quantities of lube were used... and her first attempt at "being on top."

Now, not being a life-long penis haver... the mechanics of what came next were a little awkward. Alignment, angle, positioning... She's not used to being an "outie" as it were. So there were some difficulties.

Not to mention the size of the thing - I was having some difficulties.

We decided to downsize things and go for Pinkie - the old standby toy... and after a few attempts and repositioning... she succeeded.

Let me just say this... There is something VERY intimate about this. About having your wife, your best friend, your lover, your everything... penetrate you and be in charge. There is something so... I'm not sure WHAT the word is exactly... but it was awesome. There is a difference in Fucking someone and letting someone FUCK you.... and that's what she did. It was awkward being everyone's first time and all - but oh so very sexy.

When that was done, she went down on me... then she rode me again... and in the end I came so hard I didn't want to move.

We kissed. We held each other.... we got a fucking towel and cleaned up the mess and we laughed.

After - we went to the bar and drank bourbon and Long Islands. We ate wings and chips and salsa. We went home and watched a shitty movie... and then we both slept with reckless abandon.

I love her. I love that she loves me. I love that we can try new things without fear or shame. I love that she gets turned on by me after 10 years, 2 kids, and a whole lot of life's bullshit. I love that she'll go out of her comfort zone to try new things with. I love that when she gets off, she gushes... I love that she loves making eye-contact when she gets and gives head. I love my best friend... and I love the way she loves me back.

22 April, 2019

Change in the House of Bourbon

It's been a minute since I last posted on the ole blog... so let's fucking do this thing.

Things have been a little different in the Bourbon household as of late. Lady Bourbon has taken on new work responsibilities that have drastically changed her schedule and the everyday flow in the house.

Which is fine. We still manage and everything flows...

But my day job revolves around scheduling and planning and while I can roll with things like the best of them - I am not taking to this as well as I'd hoped.

Ever seen the Bob's Burgers episode where his landlord, Mr. Fischoeder, wants to pretend Linda and the kids are HIS wife and kids on Thanksgiving? And it should go well, but Bob is the one stuck in the kitchen still working, getting drunk on Absinthe, and wanting things to be normal... but they just aren't?

Yeah... I'm Bob right now. Only without the Absinthe. And without alcohol... and without carbs... It's a lot of things changing all at the same time. And it's rough, man. Really rough.

While Lady Bourbon now gets to spend her afternoon with the kids, she is gone in the mornings. It's just me and the kids prior to school... and it's not a problem. I love the kids. But I miss the adult interaction before I have to go to work and deal with the morons there. So once I've dropped the kids off, I have nothing to do at home, so I've been coming into work early. 9-hour days with another 90 minutes in the car... then I come home to a late dinner at 7:00 in time to TRY to play with the kids when I'm in a decent enough mood to do so before they go to bed at 8 or 8:30.

She's also working at least one day every weekend now... which means it's just me and the kids again for most of the day...

I love my kids - please don't misunderstand - it's just that out of my entire week, I really only see or interact with my kids and people at work. I hate the people at work and love my kids. But I actually spend WAY more time with the people I hate and not the people I love. And the people I hate are so invasive to my life and mental well-being, they imprint so much anger on me and I am often unhappy when I get home. Debbie is really the least of my problems at work. She's an awful human being, but she's nothing compared to my super racist, homophobic GM, the owner who wants to micromanage everyone, and everyone else there with the mentality of a 12 year old... It's infuriating.

I am left with little or no time to decompress outside of my drive home... I have no alone time that isn't in the car to and from work. And my non-work adult interaction time is limited to a few meager hours at night before Lady Bourbon goes to bed before waking up at 5:30 the next morning for her new shift.

I guess I'm just really bitching and whining more than anything. Remember that post I made about wanting to just spend every day stuck in a loop? Well, I feel like I'm still stuck in that loop... but with less Lady Bourbon in it now and less opportunity for my own free time. And I sometimes feel like I am forgetting how to interact with adults.

So, instead of not having the time to have a social life... I now have less of one because Lady Bourbon is slightly less present in my day to day routine.

And it just sucks. Right now - it sucks to be me. And not in some emo bullshit way... I'm just so goddamn lonely. In a world full of people - I just feel fucking alone.

25 March, 2019

At the station

Whatever drugs were in Todd’s system weren’t making him twitchy - that would be the understatement of the year. He was positively vibrating with whatever the hell was coursing through his veins. Everything was bright and loud. Some people and things seemed to move in slow-motion while others, for no reason Todd could come up with, seemed to move in fast-forward. To put it bluntly - Todd was tripping his balls off. 
He wasn’t sure of the day. He damn sure wasn’t sure of what time it was. And there was a nagging sense in the back of his brain that told him he wasn’t in Ohio anymore. The fact the signs weren’t written in English helped to back this last theory up. Well, that and the fact that everyone around him was shorter than him and lacked that clearly midwestern American look. 
“Holy shit, I’ve been kidnapped.” He blurted. 
“What?” Came a barking laugh from over his shoulder. Todd jumped at the sound. The voice was familiar, yet strange all at the same time. He turned to see a woman with bright, white hair that had been cropped short against her head. Her eyes were neon green and she had a tattoo running up her neck that coiled around her right ear. 
“I… uh…” Sweat poured down his body in the afternoon heat. “Where the fuck am I?” He finally managed. 

18 March, 2019

And now... a serious(ish) post...

Alcohol... The sweet nectar of the gods...


I like drinking. It's an important aspect of my life. It's one of those things where I would do it all day, every day, if I wouldn't, you know, die in a month from dehydration and liver failure.

Not going to lie - I am a huge fan of bourbon, scotch, top-shelf tequila, rum, vodka, gin, bourbon again, and beer... But the problem is that alcohol is basically a 4th Macro in the grand "weight-loss" and "healthy" aspect of living and you can't really do "diet and exercise" if you're pissing it all away by drinking every night.

As far as calories go - per macro that is - you've got the following:

Protein: 4 calories per gram
Carbs: 4 calories per gram
Fat: 9 calories per gram
Alcohol: 7 calories per gram

So - you're looking at 64 calories per ounce roughly.

And you're thinking - well, fuck, that's not too bad. That's only 200 calories or so for a few drinks... And while true - here is the problem: Alcohol will interfere with the body's processing and burning of FAT...  Normally, the liver metabolizes fats, but you drink, alcohol takes preference. The liver breaks down alcohol for energy first, causing a build-up of fatty acids... Thus counteracting all that cool fat-loss stuff you've been working on and then fucking you up.

This makes me sad. Because there are few things better than coming home, having a drink, and chilling out on the couch with Lady Bourbon... and then, potentially, having sex.

But then I see things like this - Reddit User /u/Klamsykrawl gave up alcohol for a year... He lost 53 lbs and claims to feel better than he ever felt before.

And I'm all "Well, fuck, dude. That looks AMAZING! WHY CAN'T I DO THAT??!"

And the answer is: "Because you like drinking, dumbass." And then I'm all "Oh, right... duh."

So - I WANT to be all sexy for Lady Bourbon when we hit our 10th anniversary. I WANT to not die by the age of 45. I WANT to see my kids graduate high school and college... But I am a horrible person and I drink because I have PTSD and a fetish for alcohol. Okay, not a fetish, but a SERIOUS liking of the substance that make putting it down a "less than easy" thing to do for me. Lady Bourbon also likes drinking. And if she's going to watch tv and have a drink, there's not a chance in HELL I can sit there and NOT drink.

But... I am going to try. I am going to try to get back to my post-army days where Lady Bourbon would look at me and start thinking about doing horribly awesome things to my semi-well-sculpted body. It's still sculpted... but it seems that it's sculpted out of Play-Doh these days.

I'm going to get me one of those fancy calorie counter apps, stop drinking my weight in bourbon, eat more sushi, drink more water, have more sex, and do the thing! Or so I am telling myself.

Wish me luck. I suck at following through on long, life-changing ideologies. Last time I did this was when I ran a spartan race. I lost a ton of weight, got super sexy, ran the race... then rediscovered pizza. And, well, here we are. What? I fucking love pizza.

That's it. I'm off to eat vegetables and chicken! I'm going to spend my days asking "WHAT THE FUCK IS A MACRO AND WHY DO I CARE?!?!" I'm going to go from being 6'1"/240 lbs to being 6'1"/and hopefully around 215 lbs? I think that's a good goal. That would put me in the "oh jesus, I want to fuck that guy" category I think...

We shall see.

Check back in like... I don't know... 6 months?

14 March, 2019

Date Night... or "How I stopped worrying and learned to love pre-dinner sex"


That's right... I'm 40. I feel old. My body aches and makes noises on its own... I'm not 90... and I'm sure 90 year olds have and love sex too. This isn't a knock on age. I'm not an ageist. I have friends who are aged.

Wait, what?

Right...

I LOVE 2 things... Sex and food. Well, technically I love a lot of things... but I REALLY love sex and food. Not sex WITH food. But eating and getting my fuck on. The problem is - I'm not 20 anymore. Hell, I'm not even 30 anymore. I'm borderline old and not getting any younger. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to eat - both food and Lady Bourbon... But...

There's always a but. And that "but" is that sex is awesome... food is awesome... but sometimes too much food BEFORE sex is NOT awesome.

Let me just lay it out for you.

28 February, 2019

Anxiety - A Guest Post by Lady Bourbon

We're back with another amazing guest author post... 


Today's Guest post doesn't need an introduction... I've done that already here.


ANXIETY
A Guest Post by Lady Bourbon



It was a dark and stormy night...

Actually, no, it wasn't. It was beautiful, sunny, and unseasonably warm for October. It was only dark and stormy inside my head, but the whole world might as well have been covered in in darkness as far as I was concerned at the moment.

So, I'm standing there, in my kitchen, trying to find the will to walk out my door and go to the sarlaac pit I call work. I was staring out the window at the garage. I was alone. The kids were at school and Bourbon was at work. I thought, maaaaaaaybe I could just... quit.


Not my job... My life.


No more work. No more overbearing mom. No more fear that every tiny thing I do is being judged and picked apart. No more feeling like a failure. That sounded pretty damn nice. Then, my mind wandered... as my mind is wont to do. I thought about ways to achieve this state of restful bliss.

26 February, 2019

Dude looks like a lady...

So... let's do some honesty therapy, shall we?

One night in, probably 2005(?) I got to dress in drag for a party. Complete with makeup... and that shit was hot. I think it is safe to say that since that moment, I've held a small, but growing desire to wear that type of outfit again.

Women are lucky... if they're feeling down or sad - they can spruce up with makeup. A little eyeliner, some blush, a little lipstick... bam. All the tiredness is gone. Men - we have to look good with soap, poorly managed beards, and... that's about it.

This weekend Lady Bourbon and I tried something new... She went to the store and picked me out a nice top and some very nice satin panties to match the skirt she gave me. We went out to dinner in normal, gender approved clothing... with the exception of the purple, satin panties I wore under my jeans... They felt amazing.

21 February, 2019

Lady Bourbon

I call her "Lady Bourbon" because she is the other half of what makes me whole. I do not like to call her "My wife" because it sounds possessive. A mutual friend only refers to his spouse as "My wife" in conversation and that drives me fucking insane. She's not property, man... she's your partner.  Lady Bourbon is a force of nature and she chooses to be with me, and I with her. We are partners in life. Have been ALMOST since we met... She's been a model, muse, lover, wife, and, most important, a  friend... and I would never want it any other way...

In February of 2004 I returned from my final tour in Iraq... In June of 2004 I moved back to my apartment on campus and returned to school for the summer session in hopes of getting "reacclimatized" to civilian life before the rush of Freshmen in the fall... I thought it would be good for me to be there with LESS people.

I was right... and wrong.

Being there with less people was nice, but it also meant I spent a lot of time at the bar drinking to forget my final tour in Iraq... or spending a lot of time on my couch with a bottle of something doing the same thing for less and with greater quantities. And drank I did.

When I was at a low point during the following winter I started to keep an online journal. I tried to reach out into the void of the internet and see if anyone was there who felt the same way about life. That's when I stumbled upon the future Lady Bourbon.

12 February, 2019

That's me in the corner...

I'm in a bit of a funk these days. And not the normal, anxiety-induced, worrisome funk... but more of an "I'm feeling old, worthless, and in a shitty time loop" kinda funk. Being February, I feel it's very much Groundhogs day. Every day. I am Bill Murray, but without the option of dropping the toaster into my bathtub.

We've all seen Groundhogs Day, right? The guy wakes up and every day it's the same day over and over and over and over again... Same premise-ish as Happy Death Day and Russian Doll on Netflix. The difference is, these people have the same day over and over, but with no consequences of the actions they choose every day. Want to end a bad day by driving off a bridge with an angry groundhog? NO PROBLEM! Want to drop a toaster in your bathtub due to the extreme amount of stress and seeming worthlessness of life? See you in the morning!

I feel this movie has left me wanting.

Every day for me is like this. But without an out. The closest I have to a re-set is alcohol. I can at least drink myself into a deep sleep that, somewhat, gives me a fresh start the next day by wiping the mental slate clean.

It sucks. I'm sorry. There's no better way to put it. It. Sucks.

01 February, 2019

Mark and Emily A @BourbonSex Erotic Short Story

A @BourbonSex Erotic Short Story: Mark and Emily



     The night was finally here. It's something that he'd thought about often. It excited him. It made him anxious. It made him feel very sexy.
     He didn't go all out on his first time. A simple outfit of blouse and skirt with makeup and a pair of his wife's panties.
     The door opened and Mark stepped out into the light. His eyes, rimmed in dark eye-liner, shone in the soft light of the room. Gentle hints of rouge marked his cheeks and his lips were a soft, glossy mauve color. He worked his face into a smile. His hair was done up in a loose configuration of spikes, held out with gel, and his stubble was short and manicured against his chin. He was nervous, but took a deep breath and relaxed. The silk fabric of the shirt he wore felt good against his skin and the warm air circulating and lifting under the black skirt he wore felt good against his legs. His cock was gently stuffed into a pair of silk panties that hugged him everywhere.

     And he loved it.

25 January, 2019

Rope Bondage - A Guest Post by BlueSubmission

Today is another first for me - rope bondage. I, until today, knew NOTHING about this. I've seen it. Never really given it much attention. But BlueSubmission (Twitter: @bluesubmission) has written up a very nice, informative piece - photos included - about it.

Blue's website is here: https://bluesubmission.wordpress.com/
And can be found on twitter here: https://twitter.com/bluesubmission

Rope Bondage
A Guest Post by BlueSubmission

Disclaimer: If you are thinking about trying rope bondage, do plenty of research, seek out the rope community where you live for workshops and advice, and always practice safely. Rope bondage is fun and sexy, but it can also be very dangerous.
....Even fatal.


24 January, 2019

A day in the life of a 24/7 D/s couple - A Guest Post by Nikki


Today's guest post is something I know literally NOTHING about - so I am very excited for it.

Our guest poster is Nikki (@loveisafetish on Twitter)
Nikki is a sub, a parent and an artist. She loves her family, music, sex and the color pink.

A day in the life of a 24/7 D/s couple

A Guest Post by Nikki 


It is five o'clock in the morning and I wake up gagged and restrained to the bed, ready to drag my heavy chains to the kitchen to start breakfast for my Dom, like any good sub does.

17 January, 2019

Discovering Porn...

Fun story - I know a "coed" in THIS one
We went skinny-dipping in Switzerland in 1996
While growing up, my dad had a serious collection of Playboy magazines in the house. I have no doubt that my dad did not, in fact, read it for the articles.

He had a pretty nice collection of nude women stretching from the mid-80s through the mid to late 90s. And through my adolescence I ruined at least one or two of those magazines with my... uh... attention. We'll go with that. Yep. Attention.

Younger than that, however, I remember being at my friend's house and sneaking in and taking his dad's hidden copy or two of Hustler and reading the letters in it. Then running off to the bathroom to measure who had the biggest erection. Not together... one at a time with a ruler. Like civilized kids in rural America. These are my first memories of sex and nudity.

Then came the internet.

Jesus Christ...

15 January, 2019

Dr. Bourbon's Tips For Getting Laid...

Today in Bad Advice with Dr. Bourbon our question comes from Twitter User @yodelingsnake

He asks:

Dear Doctor Bourbon,

I struggle with interpreting cues on when it's appropriate to "make the move" on my wife, because I'm socially inept. I'm good at sex! But I don't always get the timing right... Do you have any advice?

Signed,
@YodelingSnake

Dear Mr. Snake,

07 January, 2019

Here Kitty Kitty - A Guest Post by Anna O'Keefe

Today's guest post is Anna O'Keefe

You can follow her on Twitter here: @ReneeHawk1956

"The Trouble With Mountain Faeries" is a collection of her words in short story format that has been published in an anthology called "Intersections" by the Frederick Writers Salon and can be purchased through Amazon.

She also writes blog posts for the online publication, Luna Station. A female centric sifi, fantasy, alternative worlds magazine.

Her current WIP is a novel about a town where no one dies they just disappear.

From the author:
"I am a girl who loves words. I love reading them and I love writing them. I truly get excited when I string a bunch of words together that make sense enough to tell a story."


Here Kitty Kitty
One woman's life long love of the classic 1972 XK-E Jaguar
A Guest Post by Anna O'Keefe




I paused to look through the floor to ceiling glass wall, at the entrance to the dealership. Daring a glance back at the turntable that slowly revolved with the most incredible thing I had ever seen. So red and shiny it nearly took my breath away. With that deep black convertible top made this car perfect and I shivered to be so close. Sleek, sophisticated, and way beyond me in every aspect. The 1972 XK-E Jaguar had captured my heart. I would have said my Kitty was sexy if I had known what sexy was at the time. I had talked about nothing else for months.

My friends had long since stopped trying to  understand this obsession. Sure, being obsessed about boys, clothes, and how much we weighed but being over the edge about a car was just crazy. I disregarded their protests. Even having no money and not knowing how to drive were just small matters and easily brushed aside. More than getting my ears pierced, more than a push up bra,
more than red nail polish, even more being allowed out past 10 pm. I simply longed for the
XK-E, my Kitty.

I sighed. Here I was barely 16 and extremely naive even in a world without cell phones and internet and head over heels in love. I was just moments away from realizing my deepest
desire. I opened the double doors and strolled in, book bag hiked on my shoulder, full of all the
courage I didn't think I possessed.

Stopping at the first occupied desk and in my practiced adult voice, I pointed, “I want to speak to someone about that XK-E.”

The man at the desk looked up from his racing form and peered over the top rim of his eye glasses. An expression wavering between irritation and boredom.

“What?”

03 December, 2018

Sexy Chocolate Cake Recipe - A Guest Post by D. Faust



Today's Guest post is from my twitter friend, D. Faust (@TheSmutGeek). It is a recipe for a sinfully chocolaty cake... and I CANNOT WAIT TO TRY IT!!!

D. Faust is an erotic romance story teller, adult toy and book reviewer, sex blogger, and freelance kink writer. You can find more of her work at www.SmutGeek.com or on Twitter @TheSmutGeek 




Sexy Chocolate Cake Recipe
A Guest Post by D. Faust

I broke the kiss and leaned in to put my lips to my husband’s ear. “We’d better get going.”
Mr. Faust sighed and released his hold on my hips with evident misgivings about ending our impromptu make-out session. “What did you need from the store again?”

I could tell from the tone he was already worrying about trudging through some super store for groceries, an activity he dreaded in general but especially close to the holiday season. Rolling my eyes I went to go get my shoes on. “I just need to hit World Market and grab a beer.”

“A beer?” Mr. Faust asked, running his hand over my ass and outlining my panty lines through my skirt.

“Sticky Toffee Pudding Ale,” I explained with a smirk. Mr. Faust smiled a little as the realization hit him. He knows I only buy that particular beer for one reason.

My Very Sexy Chocolate Cake

I love chocolate and I’m a fan of a moist cake. As a hobby baker, I desired to master my skills in both of these areas. I’m still working on that mastery but I do believe I’ve developed quite the arsenal of recipes over the years and my favorite is this cake recipe.

It began as Guinness chocolate cupcakes I made for a former Mistress. Since then I learned more about cake and tried other beers in boozy baking.

It's my first day