Read This Before Going On...

You're a moron and you should feel bad...

Today in Bad Advice with Dr. Bourbon our question comes from B.J. Black

B.J. asks:

Dr. Bourbon Sex... and Coffee:

How should I react when anti-vaxxers ask for advice to keep their kids safe when there is a measles (or other illness that vaccines can prevent) outbreak?

Dear B.J.,

What a good question. Let me tell you - I have no shortage of Anti-Vax people on my Facebook feed, so I've actually had this argument before. And every time it ends with the same thing - me, slamming my head against my desk at the outright stupidity of people who, up until 5 minutes ago, I thought were sane, mildly intelligent people. Okay no... that's not true.

Look, people are, more or less, complete morons. All of them. Me included. But, there are some who are even BIGGER morons than most. We call them "Anti-Vaxxers" and they are one small step above pig shit on the evolutionary ladder. Pig shit smells bad, but it can't help it. It's not like it goes out of its way to make everything smell bad, it just can't help it. Anti-Vaxxers are fucking pieces of shit who think the world's doctors are all evil and want to actively harm people through their secretly hidden gay-serums or autism elixirs... which are what are IN the MMR vaccine and the Flu Shot in case you didn't know.

When I meet these people I am often caught off guard. 

Here I am talking to this seemingly nice person I've probably known since Jr High and suddenly they open their mouth and this inane shit starts falling out of it and I'm all "Oh my god, Mike, what happened to you? You used to be a seemingly intelligent person, y'know, aside from the thing you did with your cousin... Aside from THAT, Mike, you seemed at least a level of magnitude above braindead... but clearly I was wrong." 

Then Mike gets all defensive and calls me a Sheep... and tries to tell me about Arsenic and formaldehyde... then all I hear is this high pitch noise and the next thing I know I'm standing over Mike with trembling hands and he has a bloody nose. 

Wait... I think I got off track here... 

So - yeah, how to talk to them like normal, rational humans... 

I like to take several different approaches when dealing with these fucking idiots... You may choose from the following and see which works best for you... 

1: Violently beat them into submission. It is Trump's America, after all, and anything goes... Okay, not really recommended because, well, jail... And there is no vaccine against being forcefully sodomized in the shower by Jimmy "boom boom" Biggins in cell 4-A. Trust me - it's not pretty. 

2: Try to show them facts, figures and opinions. Because it is true that people who are actively trying to be ignorant fucks will often listen to reason when it is presented to them in clear, concise, wonderfully narrated power point presentations. The army SWEARS by this. 

3: Just inject their kids when they aren't looking. What's the worst that can happen?

Any of these are good ideas. 

I mean - they WOULD be good ideas if you weren't dealing with fucking morons (option 1 still actually works in that case, just saying). As such, it's like talking to a wall. But not any wall. You're talking to a smug wall with thousands of hours spent researching vaccines on PINTREST to back up their bullshit claim. You could be JESUS FUCKING CHRIST and they, who are by my general estimation 99.999% Christian, would still ignore you, call you a liar, and convert to yet another, different version of Christianity where Jesus says "And the non-vaccinated shall inherit the earth."

There's no win here. You could talk til you're blue in the face and  you wouldn't change their backwards-ass, ignorant ways... and as much as physical violence against them would be FUCKING AWESOME... you just don't want to go to jail. Not again, man. Fuck that place. 

It is best to just call CPS every Tuesday and tell them that they're bad parents. Or hand out vaccine-laden candy at halloween. Fuck, I really don't know on this one. It's a global dick-punch that these people even exist. 

And now I'm sad... Thank you, B.J. 

I am depressed because I can't punch Anti-Vaxx nutjobs in the ole dickbag without going to jail, but they can endanger their kids and countless others by potentially bringing back diseases WE'VE ALREADY FUCKING DEALT WITH.

I'm totally going home and getting drunk now. Then I'm going to go onto Facebook, look up my friend, Linda, and troll the FUCK out of her comments about vaccines. That's my only recourse here, isn't it?!  LOOK OUT LINDA! I'm going to make your brain fucking explode with science and bad grammar! 


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