How to Deal With The Cleaning Lady

Today in Bad Advice with Dr. Bourbon our question comes from the ANONYMOUS "Mommy Issues" via a Twitter DM.

Dear esteemed Dr Bourbon,

I've got mommy issues. I'm pushing 40 and my mother won't let me be a goddamned adult. She goes out of her way to make excuses to come into my house and clean it.
Now, before you go getting all "ooh free cleaning services" know this: my house is clean. It's just not clean ENOUGH. My floors can be mopped, shelves dusted and beds made and she will RE CLEAN over me. I've told her to stop.
My husband has told her to stop. Our small children have told her to stop. But SHE. NEVER. STOPS.

Help a girl out, Dr. B.

love and kisses
"Mommy Issues"

Dear "Mommy Issues,"



This reminds me of a story from work, actually. And no. Not Debbie... evil little Harpy that she is...

You see, we have a cleaning crew that comes in on Wednesdays and/or Thursdays to clean, dust, take out the trash, and so on... But then we have the Owner's MOM who comes in on Saturday to clean. She's a nice old lady and I like her - but JESUS CHRIST is she horrible at cleaning. She is as bad as cleaning as I am at giving birth.

When I leave work on a Friday, the last thing I do, before talking myself out of setting the whole place on fire, is to organize my work into easily recognizable piles and stacks of paper for easy access on Monday morning.

If I may be so bold - My office is the cleanest, most organized place in the entire fucking building. But here comes Mom's Cleaning Service on Saturday and she just piles everything up and throws it in my inbox so she can buff my desk or some shit... I don't know.

...God, now that I think about it - maybe she's having gross, old-lady sex on my desk on Saturdays?!?!  OH, GOD... That...

I need a minute here...

Nope... 

...Okay. I'm better now.

So... Where was I? Right, Old Lady Snail Tracks on my desk... NO... old lady cleaning up my shit.

Right. I asked her nicely to not do this and she said "Oh, I don't mind." And I said "But I do." Which hurt poor old lady's feelings, but I didn't care... And she kept on cleaning. She kept fucking up my work flow. The GM said "Let it go, man. I've been asking her to stop for years and she still does it. It's an un-winnable battle."

Fuck that. I was in the Army once and we don't know the meaning of word un-winnable... because most of us are illiterate.

So, one day, I left dear old mom and nicely worded Post-It note that simply read:

"STOP CLEANING MY SHIT 

OR I WILL COME TO YOUR 

HOUSE AND SKULL FUCK 

YOU IN YOUR SLEEP."

She hasn't touched my shit since. Not once. It's been glorious.


HR was less than pleased, but those assholes are always angry about something... Point is - I got my way. I was the winner here. I used superior magic to win the un-winnable battle.

So - here are some options to deal with your mom

1. A strongly worded letter that threatens in a way that leaves no room for misinterpretation
2. Hide ALL of your cleaning supplies/implements - the coward's way out
3. Go all-in and just take a HUGE shit in the middle of the living room floor and look at her like, "What? Clean it."
4. Next time she cleans look around and say "Why are the windows still dirty? And I need you to fold my towels lengthwise first."
5. Buy a snake. I assume that your mom hates snakes as much as every other mom and she'll just stop coming into your house all together
6. How do you feel about necromancy? 

And if these don't work - burn the house down and move to an undisclosed location and raise your kids, if you have them, with the wolves. No windows in a cave!!! Win-fucking-win!

I hope this helps, Mommy Issues. Remember - it's never an un-winnable battle... if you're willing to be an awful human being about it.