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Hookers and Bourbon

Today in Bad Advice with Dr. Bourbon our question comes from "Brian" via Twitter. 
Brian writes:

Dear Doctor B,
I enjoy coffee, and sex is pretty great, but I haven't found a bourbon I like yet. What do you recommend I try first?

-Brian (@briancebuhl)

Dear Brian,

Bourbon is best enjoyed naked. Just throwing that out there before we get started...

It's the nectar of the gods. Enjoyed by kings and paupers alike. Don't listen to the Jack Sparrow wannabes out there that are "Oh, Rum is sooo good." Those assholes don't know what's good for them... That's why they all have scurvy and STDs.

Bourbon on the other hand...

Bourbon is like prostitution. You get what you pay for. Do you want to have a good night, but feel rather awful and potentially dirty in the morning? Then $10 will do it for ya!

You can't go wrong with throwing down a Fiver to get your rocks off, can you? I mean - free is always better, but still...

Early Times, Old Crow, Ten High, and Kentucky Gentleman will get the job done on the cheap... but you'll want to get yourself tested in the morning. Some of these might actually taste good... but kind of smell like piss. You just have to be bold. Be brave... I mean, you need to start somewhere, right? Might as well start at the bottom.

But then you have your big money bourbons. They're the ones that get you on national news when you find out that 3 senators, a congresswoman, and the janitor at your kid's school are all getting with on a regular basis just to look cool and breaking the bank to do it.

Baby Hudson is an example... it's almost $50 a bottle. It's like a high class prostitute who is paid to look pretty, but is just the worst thing you've ever put in your mouth. I mean, seriously - it'll taste like a cat shit in your mouth... but you'll still brag to your friends the next day because of how much money you spent on it. It's like drinking bad scotch... why pay extra when wood alcohol can make you go blind?!

Look, Bourbon is good. Even when it's bad... just like sex. You had bad sex? So what - at least you got laid! Bourbon is the same.

Go to a tasting. Try some stuff. It's the same way they do prostitution in the nice, Red Light District places in Munich. Pay 30€ to get in the door, look at what's available - go upstairs and try it out. It'll either work or it won't. Every person is different and every person has different... uh... needs? But I digress. I'm supposed to be talking about bourbon.

Lady Dr. Bourbon and I are fond of a few different bourbons... and I'll list them and their finer qualities below.

1: Jim Beam. It's the old standby. It's that one girl on 49th street... you know the one. She's not too special looking, but she gets the job done without breaking the bank and does that thing you like with her hand.

2: Elijah Craig. She's the fancier one that you have to ask for. Costs a little more, but goes down smooth and leaves you feeling refreshed in the morning so long as you take precautions.

3: Bulleit. She's hot, she's sexy... she might shank you, but you like it.

4: 1792. This is that one you get through the phone service. Does whatever you want, doesn't roll you in your sleep for cash, and your friends will see her and think you've entered the high-roller game. The trick is - it's still affordable. - It's like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Doesn't cost a lot - but cleans up real nice.

So - what am I saying today? What's the advice I'm giving?

Go take $100 to the nearest liquor store and buy about 20 airplane bottles of various Bourbons and taste them with one or two ice cubes in the glass to mellow it out and give it a flavor... Then get just shitty drunk on Bourbon. When you wake up, the gods will bless you with their favor... and you will know. You'll just fucking know, Brian. Of the 20 bourbons you drink - one will make you feel awesome. It'll make your balls tingle with bourbony goodness... and that'll be the one. Go nuts!

And if you still don't like Bourbon in the end... well... something is clearly wrong with you and you should stick to Diet Coke and self pity.

Okay... I can't make a bourbon post without being serious. I LOVE bourbon.

So - aside from what I mentioned above - check these out...

For $50+ you  can get the following... they're all good and generally well received by MOST bourbon drinkers. (I've had every bourbon I'll recommend here just FYI - and I like them all for one reason or another)

Blade and Bow - When I have extra money for bourbon - this is what I buy. I am a very big fan of this one.

Blanton's - crowd favorite. Pricey, but very good...

Four Roses Single Barrel - one of my favorites. We drank it on our honeymoon for a week straight. It's very good - One of the few I'll savor and drink slowly in a glass without ice.

Eagle Rare 17 Year - Just a really nice bottle of bourbon.

Woodford Reserve Double Oaked... Pretty standard, but with a really nice flavor - side note: gives me a headache the next day...

Next - There are several inexpensive small batch bourbons out there that are great like Basil Hayden's, Buffalo Trace, and 1792... they are at/under $30 and absolutely good bourbons. Also Jim Beam Double Oaked, Jack Daniels Distillers Blend... All very good.

If you want to say "Hey, I want to buy an expensive, possibly a gimmick, but really well liked bottle of bourbon" - go with Jefferson Ocean - it is aged at sea and has a salty, smoky quality usually found in scotch. I'm not personally a fan... but some of the bourbon snobs I know are all about this thing. It's good... I just don't know that it's $100 good. I personally think the five above are better, cheaper, and totally acceptable.

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