Tips for Getting Laid

Today in Bad Advice with Dr. Bourbon our question comes from Twitter User @yodelingsnake

He asks:

Dear Doctor Bourbon,

I struggle with interpreting cues on when it's appropriate to "make the move" on my wife, because I'm socially inept. I'm good at sex! But I don't always get the timing right... Do you have any advice?

Signed,
@YodelingSnake

Dear Mr. Snake,

Being socially inept is rough. It keeps us in the corner at parties if we even dare go to one. And then, some random person comes up and says hi and we start sweating and eating chips just to prevent ourselves from talking. 

And then they're all "Hey, would you like to, you know, have a coffee?" 

And we get all "OH MY FUCKING GOD I HAVE TO LEAVE BECAUSE SOMEONE IS TALKING TO ME!!!"

... Six hours later, when we're done crying and finally realize that when they asked us about coffee... they really meant sex. 

Unless they meant coffee... 

But we're still going to pretend they meant sex. 

So... we overthink the things that coffee would've actually meant and jerk off in the shower. Thus, life goes on for all of us... except the thousands of potential children slowly circling your shower drain. But that's another thing all together. 

But let's say we manage our awkwardness for a few years and some crazy person happens to fancy us to the point they'd marry us - CLEARLY something is wrong with them... but we'll worry about that later. 

So - married. Sweet. No more worrying about getting laid, right?

WRONG!

You're married now. You are in a legally binding, permanent relationship. Your headaches are now your partner's headaches. And instead of the cool, sexy, weekend sex you had to relieve stress back when you were dating - The weekend rolls around and you're too tired to have sex. But, by god you want it! Sex is sex and we're fucking doing this. The problem is - We still don't know how to interpret the signals. So don't wait for your partner... Take control of the situation. Be the one who says "Oi! I want to get naked and rub our bits together!"  

This is where we step up our game.  

And here are some examples of how to do it... 

One: 

FUCK being subtle. That shit never works. 

Walk around the house with your dick out. And do the helicopter with it...  That sends the CLEAR message of "I'd like to have sex" 

Two: 

Walk up behind your partner while they're getting something out of the fridge and you gently rub your throbbing erection against their butt. That'll get their attention... and don't use finesse. Just rub it on there like jam on a biscuit. 

This says to your partner "I am awake. I am horny. And I have no personal boundaries." And they love that. 

Three:

Worst case scenario - start watching porn on your phone with the volume up. They'll get the hint and come running! They LOVE it when you watch porn on a 3" screen... 

Four:

Have you ever tried saying "I think you want to have sex with me?" A lot can be learned by this question... So much more than just getting laid. 

But... if these don't work for you - just masturbate furiously every morning in the shower. It's what I do. Then I'm less likely to rub my bits up and down Lady Dr. Bourbon's ass and get beaten to death for it while she laughs at me. 

I hope this helps, Snake. The Helicopter and the ass-rubbing have gotten me this far in life. It'll work for you too!