Discovering Porn...

Fun story - I know a "coed" in THIS one
We went skinny-dipping in Switzerland in 1996

While growing up, my dad had a serious collection of Playboy magazines in the house. I have no doubt that my dad did not, in fact, read it for the articles.

He had a pretty nice collection of nude women stretching from the mid-80s through the mid to late 90s. And through my adolescence I ruined at least one or two of those magazines with my... uh... attention. We'll go with that. Yep. Attention.

Younger than that, however, I remember being at my friend's house and sneaking in and taking his dad's hidden copy or two of Hustler and reading the letters in it. Then running off to the bathroom to measure who had the biggest erection. Not together... one at a time with a ruler. Like civilized kids in rural America. These are my first memories of sex and nudity.

Then came the internet.

Jesus Christ...

Why I don't like "Porn"

Okay - disclaimer - I love porn. I love watching naked people fuck. That shit is hot as Hell. But........

What I hate is the Porn industry and the fucking ridiculousness of porno.

Why must we make silly porn with terrible plots and stories?

"Hi, I'm here to... clean some pipe."
"Oh, my. Well, let me just bend over, in the nude, and pick up this giant dildo I dropped."
"Mind if I stick it in your butt?"
"Oh by all means! Let me call my cousin so she can come lick your balls while you do it."

I mean... COME ON.

Why can't we just make a decent movie with realistic fucking? If I'm ever in a situation where I was with someone who started talking to me the way do in a porn... I'd probably just laugh at them and the sex would be over. Thankfully, I can hit mute if/when I ever need to watch stuff. Gifs... gifs are where it's at for me in the porn industry. No sound. Short, repeating clips of people having some crazy-good sex.

I think this is why I like Hentai... And no, not the incest/rape hentai (well, MOSTLY not those)... but the stuff like Fuzzy Lips or Kanojo x Kanojo x Kanojo, Bible Black, Giant tentacle monster sex god from outer space. You know, people doing stuff and then having crazy sex with WAY too many bodily fluids. But I like it.

And there's no "Oh yeah, fuck my asshole, daddy"... that's just a mood killer for me. And there's no completely shaved dude who goes to the gym looking all stoic and shit going "yeah... yeah... I'm gonna fuck that ass. Yeah..." - WHO DOES THIS IN REAL LIFE?!?!?

And to make it worse - the unrealistic plastic surgery plaguing porn stars is distracting. I mean... like in a big way. You were clearly not born a 49DD... those look like they're about to pop. And why is every man is shaved from the neck down?? I'm no fan of chest hair, and I understand that it makes your junk look bigger... but I'm having trouble suspending my disbelief here, man.

The icing on the cake is the moaning and sound effects the women make... Are you having sex or are you laying down backup tracks for some dubstep?!?

I get it... this stuff is supposed to be far-fetched and whatnot, but I just can't do it. I can watch gifs and muted clips... but Pornos are, in my opinion, a joke.

You want hot sex? Make it look real. Find real people who look NORMAL. Sex isn't a 90 minute run for most people... shit, for most 20 minutes is considered too long.

So... sorry, Porn industry... I am not a fan. I'll stick with Erotica, Hentai, and my wife's underwear drawer.

PEACE OUT!