Read This Before Going On...

12 February, 2019

That's me in the corner...

I'm in a bit of a funk these days. And not the normal, anxiety-induced, worrisome funk... but more of an "I'm feeling old, worthless, and in a shitty time loop" kinda funk. Being February, I feel it's very much Groundhogs day. Every day. I am Bill Murray, but without the option of dropping the toaster into my bathtub.

We've all seen Groundhogs Day, right? The guy wakes up and every day it's the same day over and over and over and over again... Same premise-ish as Happy Death Day and Russian Doll on Netflix. The difference is, these people have the same day over and over, but with no consequences of the actions they choose every day. Want to end a bad day by driving off a bridge with an angry groundhog? NO PROBLEM! Want to drop a toaster in your bathtub due to the extreme amount of stress and seeming worthlessness of life? See you in the morning!

I feel this movie has left me wanting.

Every day for me is like this. But without an out. The closest I have to a re-set is alcohol. I can at least drink myself into a deep sleep that, somewhat, gives me a fresh start the next day by wiping the mental slate clean.

It sucks. I'm sorry. There's no better way to put it. It. Sucks.



I get up, fight the kids to get ready for school, fed, cleaned, and out the door (when I say "I" - Lady Bourbon is included...). Then I shower, spend an hour in the car getting to the job, and then 8 hours at the job doing the exact same thing... every. fucking. day.

When I say "I do the same thing every day" at work I don't mean it's like a factory job of stamping or something - It's basically like this... I solve the exact same fucking problems every day. They involve different cities, people, and other things - but it's the exact same fucking problem because we, as a company, won't change policy on anything. So I find myself slipping into a bored, semi-hypnotic state while I do the same thing again and again and again.

Then, at 6:00, I go back home. An hour in the car, dinner, try to play with the kids if I'm not mentally drained or angry - I suck at playtime when I'm angry - then fight to get them in bed. Lady Bourbon 95% of the time handles all things bedtime related... which allows me time to either clean up the kitchen from dinner, make a drink, or play a round of Call of Duty.

After that it is somewhere around 8:30 or 9:00... Then I can either watch tv, play games, or do something... 90% of the time I am too tired, angry, or just spent from the daily monotony to do anything. Hobbies? nope. Write? nope. Sex? ... well, I've only ever said no to that like... 9 times in our married life I think. The point is - I just don't feel like anything after that's all done.

I just wait for sleep to take me so I can get some resemblance of rest before I do it all again.

The weekends are spent thinking about fixing the house, trying to prevent the kids from burning the place down, or various other small, tasks that, for one reason or another, seem monumental even though they would take literally 20 minutes of my life.

I am a ghost.

Outside of my house and my job - I don't have an existence. I am a phantom on the internet and that is my primary source of human interaction.

The people I know at work all live 30 miles in the opposite direction from work. Hanging out for a beer or something is not an option. Going to see their bands perform on the weekend would take a 90 minutes to get there and I'd get home at 4am... with nothing to show for it but 180 miles driven and a "thanks for coming" on Monday morning. We're not friends.

My "friends" all moved away when we graduated. Boston, Texas, California, Washington... none of them stayed around here. Then we moved. We now live in Lady Bourbon's hometown - which is a lovely town. Seriously, I love it here - I just don't know anyone here other than her family. And I'm never home/around enough to go meet anyone new.

So... this is my life.
Home.
Car.
Work.
Car.
Home.
Car.
Work.
Car...

I love my wife and kids with all my heart... but sometimes, I miss being "Me." I miss having some sense of self-identity that exists outside of the family. Something that allows me to say "this is me."

I was a lot of things in my life...
I was a soldier.
I was a student.
I was a traveler.
I was...

But I feel lost as to who I am now.

And unlike Phil Connors - I'm not bettering myself. I'm not learning jazz or ice sculpting... because unlike Phil - I don't have that sort of freedom. I feel bad when I do things for myself. I feel like I am neglecting my family if I want to go out and do something. I feel like I will become one of those asshole husbands if I opt to go spend time out in the garage instead of spending my nights with her... And I hate it. She doesn't make me feel bad about it. If anything, she encourages it... but I just get anxiety.

One day I'll figure it out... hopefully it'll be before I die.

One day I'll reclaim my sense of identity.

One day...

7 comments:

  1. Lady Bourbon here.

    This isn't news to me, but it still makes me sad to know you feel this way. I've been there too, as you know. I want to help. I want you to pick an evening or two to go do Bourbon things.... go see a movie, go for a beer, go to the range or gym...or just hide in the garage. I love you, and want you to be happy and I want you to be you.

    As such, I've taken the liberty of arranging for you and J to go out for beers this Saturday evening. It's not much, but it's a start.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I walked away from who I was and stayed in my own Groundhog day for many years. Slipping further into that hopeless feeling that none of it mattered much. I have managed to pull myself back from a life of total boredom. It has taken me 4 yrs to actual begin to feel like myself again. My journey is not your journey and I am no preacher for anyone's salvation, so no advice from me. The thing is when I was in that loop of feeling so removed from myself I thought, ' This is life. This is all there is.' I couldn't see past one fucking day being the same as every other day.
    Of course I didnt have a Lady B in my life, or kids that adored me .
    I am thinking from her reply she pretty fond of you and dedicated to your happiness and well being. Maybe knowing how she feels might be enough to get through this.
    It's a bitch of a place to be. I use to say I was stuck between the paonp and the wall. But everything always changes. That is just the way all life flows. And this will change too. If I have learned anything through this life is that.
    I have also learned to no be so tough on me. Just wanted to share. Hope that was Ok, Bourbon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are days I actually have to wonder if the kids adore me or not... ;-)
      For the most part, I am "not mom"

      I, too, am often to tough on myself. And it just adds to my funk. I am trying to get out of it as we speak. Thank you.

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  3. I found a lot in this blog post that resonated with me Dr. Bourbon. Man oh man - a few years ago I thought I had figured out a way to get a bit of extra me time - so I could reclaim my sense of identity. I had carved out time to work on a non-fiction book. The work began. Then - long story short - problems arose and back into the day to day drudgery I went, the daily grind becoming once again a yoke around my neck. I believe I am a bit older than you and, unfortunately, I have no advice to give myself - let alone anyone else - cause I sure as hell haven't figured out a means to a better more satisfying day by day existence.

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