Date Night... or "How I stopped worrying and learned to love pre-dinner sex"

That's right... I'm 40. I feel old. My body aches and makes noises on its own... I'm not 90... and I'm sure 90 year olds have and love sex too. This isn't a knock on age. I'm not an ageist. I have friends who are aged.

Wait, what?

Right...

I LOVE 2 things... Sex and food. Well, technically I love a lot of things... but I REALLY love sex and food. Not sex WITH food. But eating and getting my fuck on. The problem is - I'm not 20 anymore. Hell, I'm not even 30 anymore. I'm borderline old and not getting any younger. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to eat - both food and Lady Bourbon... But...

There's always a but. And that "but" is that sex is awesome... food is awesome... but sometimes too much food BEFORE sex is NOT awesome.

Let me just lay it out for you.


So, here it is, a Friday night without kids. You're going to put on some nice clothes, go out for food and drink, and come home to get sexy as FUCK!!! (insert sexy music)

Then you remember that you're 40 (record scratch) and eating too much causes gas and uncomfortable feelings/sounds within the broken system that is your gut.

You worked all week.

You're tired.

You're full from eating too much food that you don't have to guard from your children... and you've probably drank too many overpriced drinks at the local Applebee's or wherever you went for dinner... please don't go to Applebee's before sex. That doesn't end well...

Now you're home. Now it's time to turn the lights down, take your clothes off, and GET SEXY... but first you need to quietly excuse yourself and release some... pressure? Let's go with that. It's far classier than saying fart.

You're trying to be sexy. But let's face it, you just had 15 hot wings, fries, onion rings, cheese sticks, a steak, salad, and possibly breadsticks... along with copious amounts of beer or mixed drinks. Let's face it... you're not feeling all that sexy anymore.

You're kissing and licking, and... is that an onion ring I smell?

Back to kissing. Yeah.. it's going well... Jesus... why am I so dehydrated? Back to kissing.

Now some hands.

Oh yeah. That's good... what? I can't touch your stomach because you feel bloated?

Fine.

See? Your night of sexy romping is now a half-hearted attempt to get each other off just so you can take some fucking Tums and go to bed before your buzz wears off and you remember that you have to pick up the kids from their sleepover at 9am.

Here is what I suggest instead...

Do the sex bit BEFORE dinner. Eh? See?

Your kids are off to their friends house at, let us say 4:00? 5:00? Plenty of time. Go home, shower up, drink some water, and then fuck like you're 20 again.

You've got no cares, other than a slight hunger... but focus that on sex. You can totally give oral without fear of gaseous venting or the sweats caused by too much fried food making your downstairs a swamp. You haven't peed 19 times from the beers. You're golden. STAY GOLDEN PONYBOY!!! You'll even have less chance of having a heart attack from your cheese-laden arteries seizing up on you mid-orgasm.

You're going to reward yourself with good sex followed by, hopefully, good dinner and drinks... then you can still be home and in bed by 11:00 without all the fake "No, I feel fine. I'm not totally about to throw up on you because I ate too many cheese sticks at TGIGoFuckYourself."

 And then - if you're not feeling like you're about to die - you can still have sex AFTER dinner. This is a double-win.

Do yourself a favor - next time you're planning a date night with your partner - go ahead and get the sex out of the way up front. Get freaky. Get super sexy. You're not bloated up with dinner and fried foods yet so jump around, stick things in places, and enjoy yourself.