Reflections on Depression and Alcohol Abuse Part 6:
The Fear of Being Me
I've been mostly quiet on social media as of late. I've been doing a lot of soul searching as it were. And by soul searching, I guess I really mean getting drunk and contemplating why I am getting drunk.
The answer is simple - I am afraid of who I am going to be when sobriety hits. I'm afraid that being sober will prove to me just how boring I am as a human being.
Drinking every night allows me to not care.
If I'm drinking I get to relax, unwind, and just not give a fuck about what I'm doing and who I am. It's like hitting snooze on reality. I'm able to hit that button and, internally, pretend I'm a youthful twenty-something drinking the night away in my old apartment while watching 'Lost' or 'Stargate SG-1' reruns at midnight...
My kids are young and they know what Bourbon is. They know what beer is. And they know that Daddy drinks one of them with dinner all the time and pretty much any time he's outside...
And that shit needs to stop.
I'm not sure if I can Cold-Turkey that shit... But I need to change. I know I do.
I'm living a life chronically under-hydrated. I wake every night around 2am when the alcohol wears off and my body remembers that the Check Engine light came on months ago. I am grossly out of shape for a man who used to run 5 miles at a 6-minute mile pace.
And there is my goal... to run 5 miles. In one go. Without stopping. Not at a 6-minute pace... but I'd be happy with 8 or 9.
To achieve this goal, I'm going to need to do a few other things before then...
First, I'll need to lose some weight. Right now I'm riding a less-than-healthy 20 extra lbs of swinging Dad-Bod than just over a year ago... and it's not very sexy or conducive to running. I think my knees would literally fucking explode should I try to run in my current shape. This will require a new way of eating. Not eating an entire bag of chips is a good start... as well as smaller portions, more water, less sugar, less chocolate, and more getting up off my ass throughout the day.
Second, I'll need to find time to work out/get up and moving. Right now I work all day, but there is time in there for me to move stuff around. I need 3-4 days a week where I can get out of the house and move. Just move. Walk, jog, hike, bike, and not be a stationary body.
Third, I'll need to curb my drinking. I'm willing to allow myself 1 night... 2 on special occasions to have a drink or unwind. As much as I'd like to go full-on sober... I'm not dumb enough to believe I can.
So - today is April 18, 2021... I will start this week with small, manageable steps. Chicken and rice for lunch... more salads and green, leafy things. Less fried food and pizza... and more water.
Who knows, maybe somewhere down below the layers of alcoholic fog and denial, I might find out that I'm a decent human being with some good, hidden talents. Jesus... I am capable to doing a lot with my current state and I feel like it's driving with the parking brake on. Maybe I'll level up... Maybe I'll blow up. Either way - it could be an interesting journey.
So - Maybe this blog will be less about how much I've been drinking and more about the changes I see in myself. Or maybe I'll just abandon this blog and this persona... leave it behind and forge ahead.
I still love sex, drinking, hentai, sex, more sex, and all the things therein... but Lady Bourbon and I have grown so much in the last 2 years that this persona is no longer needed as the emotional pressure release valve as it used to be...
Who knows.
I'm glad I finally got around to reading this, amazing how fast time flies. I really don't think you'd be a boring human being if you quit drinking for good; although, some might think so. My buddy's alcoholic wife and my alcoholic brother think I was much more fun when I was drinking. I have more important things to do with my life, though. Some people say I was a good dad, but I could have been so much better, needed to be better, should have been better. My love of being drunk kept me from being who I wish I'd been.
ReplyDeleteThanks to Uncle Sam I was once in amazing physical condition. A few years ago, I couldn't walk 3 miles without getting winded and tired out. Walking is amazing, felt weird at first, but it was a good ego lesson. Eventually, I was walking 16 miles in 4 hours, which was excessive. Take it slow and easy.
Those calorie counting apps are great: MyFitnessPal works great for me.
Have you read "10% Happier" by Dan Harris? I can't recommend it enough.
I'm happy for you, brother. You seem to be in a good spot and heading the right direction.